Oh HELL No!
by Vindictus
Summary: My first SI, and my only excuse is... Everyone else is doing it! Anyway, I die and get reincarnated in the Narutoverse, because the other options would be way more boring. Or so I thought...


Disclaimer- The only thing I own in this fic is my oc. Nothing more, nothing less.

A brief explanation- Yes, this is a self insert. Why did I make one? Because it seems that every author has one- and I cant stand to see any type of story be so horribly mutilated as most of those are. So, I'm doing what I can to redeem the genre- to take it back from the otaku side.

XXX

Oh HELL No!

XXX

Vindictus shook his head. Ouch... That had hurt. Well at least he wasn't... dead...

He stared at the body laying on the floor. It looked like him... Hell, it was wearing his t-shirt. Reaching down to flip the body over, he grimaced as his hand passed right through. Well... Either this was an out of body experience, or he was dead. Shit.

**WELL, AT LEAST I DONT HAVE TO GIVE THE LECTURE.** Boomed out from behind him. Spinning around, Vindictus looked the person over. Long black robes... check. Huge freaking sythe... check. Skeletal face grinning at him, check.

"Oh fucking great, I AM dead. Doesn't that figure. So what happens now?"

The spectre shrugged. **WHATEVER YOU WANT. REINCARNATION, A TRIP TO PARADISE... IF YOU REALLY WANT TO, YOU COULD STICK AROUND AND DO A HAUNTING WHILE YOU DECIDE- I UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S ALL THE RAGE THESE DAYS.**

Vindictus sweatdropped. "So... I can do whatever I want?"

**OF COURSE. YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD- WHO'S GOING TO STOP YOU?**

"Well, I guess that makes sense... Well, I was getting bored with my life. I choose reincarnation, but in an alternate universe... uh... shit, which manga should I infest? Oh, hell, I'll just flip a coin." Vindictus reached into his pocket, and blinked when he felt nothing there. "Huh? Oh yeah, dead." Vindictus looked down, realizing he was naked for the first time. "Eh... I suppose you dont take anything with you after all. Oh well... crap, I'll just take Naruto. It's the one I know the most about."

Death watched as Vindictus' form blew away. **YOU SHOULD HAVE WAITED- ITS LOKI'S TURN TO CHOOSE WHO YOU REINCARNATE AS TODAY.**

xxx

Vindictus was extremely bored. He hadn't realized that you were reincarnated the moment you were concieved- if he had, he would have probably went to paradise instead. Well, at least he didn't feel like a tadpole anymore- fully developed arms and legs were a thing he had never really appriciated before. Of course, he couldn't move- he was cramped into a tiny, if somewhat elastic, womb with no way to leave till he was born. hopefully that would be soon- he wasn't really sure about how babies developed, as he had never really been interested in that sort of stuff.

Suddenly, the walls of the womb heaved, squeezing in on him. After the momentary shock, Vindictus was relieved. At least he would be out of here soon! As he relaxed, he heard voices babbling around him in what he though was japanese. Now he really wished he had bothered to learn it in his past life, so he could understand it now. Oh well... so he wouldnt be able to talk to other people for a couple of years. No big. Other babies had to deal with it, so he would too.

The walls pulsed again, pushing him downwards. What was taking so long? He had always thought giving birth was a quick process- Dogs and cats were over with it fast enough. The walls pulsed again, and he slid a little further downwards. Oh well, he had waited nine months to get born- he could handle another few miniutes.

The voices were babbling faster then ever. Vindictus really wished he could understand what they were saying- they seemed rather frantic. As the walls pulsed again, he idly wondered if there were any complications- he wouldn't have thought there would be, but he really didn't know much about childbirth. He hoped there wasn't- He would need parents to raise him. Otherwise he wouldn't understand anything about the world he would be born into, beyond what was covered in Naruto... which was suprisingly little.

The walls pulsed again, and Vindictus's left foot was suddenly cold. He hadn't expected that. The walls pulsed again, and his legs were cold up to the knee. Another pulse, and he was half out, and squirming from the cold. Another pulse, and he was almost out. Then the last pulse came- finally! And he was out. Blinking his eyes at the sudden light, Vindictus was completely unprepared to be flipped over on his belly and spanked. As he howled at the indignity, he was wrapped in white cloth and taken out of the room.

xxx

Vindictus was pretty sure he was an orphan- he had been stuck in the hospital for weeks now. The people taking care of him were muttering something about a 'kyuubi no kitsune' as well, so he was fairly sure he was about the same age as Naruto, though he couldn't be sure- Maybe he was older by a few days, or younger. That wasn't very important though- what was important was the fact that some wicked, wicked deity had decided to reincarnate him as a _girl_. The most embarrasing part was, he hadn't even noticed until the first time his diaper had been changed and he'd caught a glimpse of it. So yes, he... SHE was angry. Also, she didn't have a name- or at least not one she could understand, as she couldn't read Kanji. Really should have taken lessons in Japanese... Oh well. She was hungry again, and she had her own wet-nurse.

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_Three Years Later-_

Vindictus sighed as she was taken to the orphanage. The stupid nurse had dressed her up in a frilly sundress. She might not be a guy in this life, but she still had a bias against flimsy, frilly clothing. When she was old enough, she would insist on nothing but pants and shirts- Maybe a skirt or two, just to keep up appearances, but nothing more.

The only real bonus to being reincarnated as a girl that she could see at the moment was that she would be allowed in the ladies room- it might not be useful till she was older, but it would be a real bonus then. Especially as the Narutoverse had communal baths.

The major problem was her weakness. She had never been a really strong person in her previous life, but not being able to even shake her head was enough for her to decide that she would have to build up physical strength. Once she was old enough, she would enroll in the Shinobi Acadamy- Not that she wouldn't have anyway, but she had more of a reason to get strong now. And the complete lack of any other kind of entertainment had something to do with it too.

xxx

A couple years after that, and Vindictus met Naruto for the first time. He was, suprisingly, a very quiet individual- Although that might have been his complete and total lack of friends. After watching him for a few days, she decided that it would be easier to make friends with him now than later- and being friends with the protaginist of the story would make her chances of survival rocket. She had been careful to watch how the villagers reacted to him, too- Although there was a lot of attempted attacks on him, they were all thwarted by Anbu before anything could happen. Hopefully, any protection he had would extend towards his friends as well- The Hokage seemed to have a soft spot for Naruto, and loosing a friend wouldn't be something he would want for the boy.

The only real problem was that Vindictus didn't have a name. Her parents hadn't decided on it, and after they had died the nurses hadn't bothered- They had all just called her Brat or Girl. And her old name was unlikely in a japanese universe, as well as masculine. Thinking for a moment, Vindictus ran names through her head- Setsuka? No, it didn't fit. Tsuki? Too close to the bad guys names, so it was out too. She sighed. All the japanese sounding names were either silly sounding or stolen from anime. Well, that woud leave a more english name... But most of those were plain and stupid. Eh... Maybe take a couple french words and throw them together... Black and White maybe? Noir Blank... Change it to Noira LeBlank, maybe? Eh... It would sound foriegn, but she didn't care. Looking around, Vin... Noira cursed. She had thought to much about her name, and lost him. She'd have to try again tomorrow.

xxx

A.N- Yes, I know I had a lot of timeskips. And? I didn't want to go through my OC's early years in too much detail, when it could be summed up much faster. And BTW, do you think I should skip ahead to the Genin test? Or should I work more on the early years? And as Noira is kinda, y'know, ME, I'm going to make her a lesbian, because I'm really only interested in girls and just being reincarnated as one wouldn't really change that. Also, should I be friends with Sakura and Ino, or despise them for the otaku that they are?


End file.
